My Immortal Commentary
by themysticthestral
Summary: Join me as I comment on the WORST FANFICTION EVER! (In my opinion of course!)
1. Author's Note

Hello everyone! As you can see, I am commenting on the infamous My Immortal fanfiction, apparently the worst ever!

Hope you have some giggles and laugh some more, but I just hope you can tell me what to comment on next!

Anyways, ON WITH THE FIRST CHAPTER!


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik **No, I don't get it. Why would I?** ) 2 my gf (ew not in that way **Wasn't even thinking it.** ) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling **What spelling?**. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Woah girl, you have a REALLY LONG name.** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name **Okay...** ) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! **I'm sorry, I have no idea who that is but I will not leave.** ). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking **Woah, f-bomb** hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white _**No,**_ **wouldn't they be pink because of all the blood?**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell **_No,_** **I couldn't tell** ** _at all._** ) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing **Do we really need to know?** a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **Won't you look at that now there's MAKEUP descriptions!** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps **What are "preps?"** stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **Wow, okay, you could have just said that you flipped them off.**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Shyly? This is the first time Draco has ever been shy. BUT THIS MEANS HE LIKES YOU!**

But then, I heard my friends **What friends?** call me and I had to go away.

 **Wow, what a short chapter.**


	3. Chapter 2

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **Plz? Fangz? What happened to proper English?**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **What happened to the grammar?** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **Okay, but I'm not "flaming" your story! Still don't know what a prep is!**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. **How does it snow AND rain?** I opened the door of my coffin **Coffin? What?** and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **Blood? Bottle?** My coffin was black ebony **You could just say "black"** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. **Oh gods, do we really have to have all this clothing description?** Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace **Pentagram necklace?** , combat boots **Thank you Tara, you have officially ruined combat boots for me.** and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **Is that even possible?** , and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **Kind of messy, huh?**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! **You** ** _could_** **, i dont know, NAME THE CHARACTER RAVEN.** ) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini **Mini-what?** , fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking **Another f-bomb** don't!" I shouted. **Anger is just a way to cover up the crushies, Ebony.**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Okay, seriously. YOU SAY THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HIM THEN YOU FLIRT WITH HIM? This makes zero sense.**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **Meaningless conversation.**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking **WHATS WITH ALL THESE F-BOMBS?**. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. ***Gasp* He asked you out. He was acting strange, so what do you expect?**


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **Umm, never did.** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws **You got GOOD REVEIWS? *Gasp***! FANGS **STOP SAYING FANGS IT'S NOT COOL** AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Good, a disclaimer for THE SONG. WHAT ABOUT A DISCLAIMER FOR** ** _HARRY POTTER_** **ITSELF?**

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On the night of the concert I put on **Oh gods not another clothing description.** my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists **Ugh, seriously. Slitting wrists is bad**. I read a depressing book **Which book?** while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood **poor person, to have blood taken away from them for an unworthy creature...** so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car **When did** ** _he_** **get a flying car? Mr. Weasley should get a patent on thet**. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt **What kind of plan t-shirt is simple?** (they would play at the show too **Oh really? He has a band.** ) , baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok! **Okay, so you can spell words in the story right, but not your author's notes? And what is your definition of "cool?"** ).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **Then why is there an exclamation point if you are all depressed and whatnot?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **Why thank you, we** ** _totally_** **needed to know what the licence plate said.** ) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs **Is smoking drugs possible?**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life. **This period is supposed to be a COMMA (I am correcting grammar now because I could tolerate it but I had to say SOMETHING.** " sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song **Of course you don't, because your writing is so crappy that you couldn't even write** ** _that_** **.** ).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **Why?**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **Protective? When did he ever get** ** _protective_** **?**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking **f-bomb!** Duff. I fucking **ANOTHER ONE** hate that little bitch **wow, more profanity**." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face **What's wrong with her face? It looks fine to me.**.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. **GOOD for you.** Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **Dun Dun Dunnnnn! *Gasp***

 **[A/N: Hey guys, sorry that this chapter is so late XP I had semester exams and stressing, so please be patient!]**


	5. Another Author's Note

**Sorry guys, this is just an Author's Note. I might not be able to post for a while, with all this "new semester" stuff for school. Please be patient and don't get mad! Hajimemashite!**

 **Love,**

 **Kay**


	6. Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su **But she is kind of a mary sue... right?** OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **This makes no sense, because people don't act completely different when they're in love, in most cases. Also, Tara should use better grammar!**

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck **Another f-bomb!** do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked. **You know, you're supposed to _answer_ her question... right?**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes **How can red eyes even be "gothic"?** (he was wearing color contacts **Wait, since he's a vampire, wouldn't his eyes already be red?** ) which revealed so much depressing sorrow " **Depressing sorrow?" What is that? Use one word next time, Tara.** and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I **Was there supposed to be something here?** Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **How can he be on top of you when you're leaning against something?** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. ***Le gasp* you took off your clothes?** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **Umm... you could just say you had sex. Let's say it together, children. S. E. X. SEX. Use the proper word next time please.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed **But wouldn't you moan?**. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **What is orgasm?** We started to kiss everywhere **Glad you weren't too explicit...** and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS **YA KNOW WHAT? I GIVE UP ON POINTING OUT THESE BAD WORDS! There are too many!**!"

It was….Dumbledore! ***Le gasp* How did h find you? Was it the explicit screaming?**

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 **A/N : Hey guys! I'm so sorry for being so slow with my updates, because I have school and I had State and Regionals for gym. I had so much work to catch up, and I'm so thankful for your understanding. I hope to update soon!**


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